Hello? Is that Mr Pattinson? I have found that chromosome you were looking for.

 

Avert your eyes Twilight fans. This is gonna get ugly.

"1 Chromosome, 2 Chromose...shit. You're one short Mr Pattinson."

“Lucky effer sir?”

WHAT A LOAD OF OLD SHITE. I have never watched so much crap in my entire life. I was only 20 minutes in and I swear to god, cataracts would have been appreciated more. Never before have I hoped for a disaster such as a fire, just to give me an excuse to move away from the sofa. There I was, all snug with my friends, in my PJs, duvets everywhere and a stack of chocolate, oddly looking forward to loosing my virginity. Well, that was not pleasurable. That was like loosing my virginity to bum rape. I could not understand what they were all so excited about. Then I realised. It was not, in fact, a gripping storyline, or amazing special effects. It was in fact the ‘fit’ boys that came with the film. You have got your two teams you see. Team Jacob and Team Edward. So I sat there, Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, there I was. Stuck in the middle of a bunch of willies. Lefties screamed and clenched every muscle they had when Pattinson came on screen, and the righties were creating new muscles they were squeezing that hard when Jacob came on screen. But in all honesty, where is the attraction in those boys? I swear to God, when I put on the subtitles, I could have sworn Jacob was, subconsciously, trying to sell me lucky heather. And Pattinson. That sexy smouldering look that all the girls jizz at, is in fact wind. It is not attractive. It was like he is digging out a wedgie. And I still hold to my theory that he is a Downs.

 

Shall we really crack down to the fitties? It was my birthday today Last year I had a pretty good time, but this year blew that bitch out of the water. I had cake, friends, MONEY and shit loads of prezzies Someone pre-ordered Glee season 1 for me. They will have a place saved for them in my heart. Actually no, it isn’t that good. They can have a spot in my uterus. It is kind of like Level 1 seating in the o2. Not quite as good, but still the same thing. Don’t piss me off, or you will be in Level 4. Be warned. But I have to say, my best presents came from 1 person When buying someone a present, never before has this thought entered my mind. She arrived at my house with a goldfish in a bag. An actual goldfish, who stares at me as I type. She is called Marguerite. I am a strong believer in real names for pets. It is such a kick in the teeth when you call them fluffy or some shit like that. She is gorgeous isn’t she I also got a nicely pieced together mood board of my favourite things and a very special rendition of Happy Birthday

Marguerite

 

I have to say, I have really enjoyed myself today and could not be more grateful for such a bloody brilliant birthday

Kisses

<3

I’m back bitches.

I’m back bitches.

I haven’t posted anything for quite a while, solely because I posted a blog quite a while back which upset two of my greatest friends. But all is in the past now, and we are heading for April, the month of new starts, new friends and new clothes

I start this blog with the excitement of it being only 5 days until my birthday! FIVE DAYS BABY! If you know me, then you will know that my birthday is one of the biggest events of the year. It might not be for you, but my birthday is very special to me. I don’t know why, but this is the one day of the year that I all the attention is on me. I love it. I love every eye being on me. Last year I went out for a meal with about 30 other people. This year, we have entered a WHOLE NEW BALL GAME! I have around 60 people coming. Most people have a few of their closest friends attend their birthday meal, but I have so many amazing friends that I couldn’t cut some of them out. Then you have the dilemma. Once you have invited a couple of people out of a group, you have to invite the whole group. That is why the numbers are so high! Haha!

I am going to try to keep y’all posted with the events that happen over the next week! I will leave you with a rather dashing picture of myself.

Kisses

xxx

P.S. Sorry for the lack of humour in this post, but I thought I had best be careful I am working my way back up to the top x

SO EXCITED FOR…Oh. Not watching that anymore.

YOU KNOW WHAT JENKINS…YOU CAN SUCK ON MY LEFTY.         

I don’t think I have EVER got this angry at my television. I am sat there screaming all kinds of shit at Katherine Jenkins. She has such a grudge against Vanessa. Blates because Vanessa is prettier than her and is quite clearly a better singer than her. When she was giving her ‘comments’ (although to be honest…who gives a flying…) I was praying for a trap door to open and a bear to come out and eat her. I hate her. I know hate is a strong word, that is why I am using it. She may be a good opera singer, but WHAT THE FRICK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT A JOB? This is the first paid piece of work you have done in a while, and to be honest, I still hate you. Before this, I only knew you because you were in heat! magazine a lot, in the Who Wore It Best? section. I used to vote for you, because you did look really nice. But now, I wont. Even if the other person looks like a trollop. No, no, even if the other person is a troll I will vote for them. They may look shittier in the clothes, but at least they will be more attractive. When you sang this evening, I could feel my eyes watering. Not because you were good, but because you looked like a bloody banana. I began by calling you a yellow carrot, as I couldn’t think of any yellow food but a lemon. And as fat and round you looked, it wasn’t the right word. I turned to my mum and said that I hope a lion (specifically Aslan, so the audience could clap a ‘celeb’) would creep up behind her and rip the shit out of her. I want to watch her, watching herself being eaten. It would have made the show. My facebook status stated how I hope she split a lung. AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END? Did she crouch to poo? Or did she have to crouch to breath, so no one would see the massive belly she is hiding.     

 

There will be more slating later, but I will comment on the acts. Before I feel the urge to call ITV to scream down the phone at Barbie.      

1. Darius – AAAAND Go home. Get interesting or go home. Simple as.   

2. Kym Marsh – She was fantastic this evening! She sang beautifully and looked fantastic. Although I wasn’t sure on the gaffer tape dress :s I would like her to win out of the girls.      

 3. Danny Jones – He was very good, and he is the boy that I want to win I think I preferred his performance last week, but well done for this week. Blew me away!      

 

4. Marcella Detroit – She was brilliant. I don’t really know who she is, but she was pretty good Although I do get very annoyed at how much her lip quivers when she sings. You aint no Mariah. Jeez.        

 

5. Vanessa White – WTF? She did so well! I will evaluate deeper after reviews, but she should not have gone home.        

 

6. Bernie Nolan – She did very well didn’t she? She makes me laugh in the VTs where the show the preparing week as well Well done Bernie!        

 

 7. Jimmy Osmond – Well. One word. Die.        

 

All I can say is, this was the most disappointing night of my life. I thought that Vanessa did so much better than last week and she looked fantastic. Katherine hates her, as does Ronaldo but they can go and breed with each other. I don’t think people appreciate that Vanessa has a full time job. Most of those other celebs don’t even have a job, except from Kym and Danny, and they have taken time off. She has a great dedication to The Sats, which means that she has to work and go and earn money. Katherine is jealous because she is more succesful than her and Ronaldo just looks like an Oompa Loompa. When he complained about her not being committed, I could have screamed at him. No wait…I did.      

 I dislike Ronaldo, because he was such a bitch to Vanessa. I hate Katherine more, but I don’t like Ronaldo. I just read back at my comment on those two breeding, and I felt prompted to draw a picture of what their child look like. Now, don’t feel jealous of my immense artistic skills. He is called Lucifer. He has Ronaldo’s hair and eyebrows, and Katherine’s green eyes of envy, yellow fangs, skin tone, horns and Hitler moustache. I think it is a perfect likeness.       

 

To be honest. I am not going to watch it anymore. I am so disappointed that Vanessa has gone, and I hate Katherine Jenkins. I am throwing a brick at her face in my mind. I hope it hurts. Jealous bimbo. Until next time lovers…Daniel xxx       

Popera

What a fantastic new television show that has graced our television screens this evening! I have had a bit of a rough week, and this really couldn’t have come at a better time! Popstar to Opera Star has got to be one of the most amazing programmes I have watched this year. It has everything, from popstars (obviously) to graceful music and scary judges.

This evening on ITV1, we saw 8 popstars battle it out to stay in the new competition. They all had to sing songs from Operas, and to be honest, they did blinking amazing! My Dad just sat and criticized and I will develop when the comments become appropriate. I will start with the judges though. On the panel of this sensational new show was Katherine Jenkins, who is very attractive and a fantastic singer. She deserves to be on the panel. Next up was Rolando Villazon. He is, in all honesty, an amazing opera star and has a brilliant voice, but bloody hell, WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE EYEBROWS? They aren’t just bushy, they are long. And his hair is scary! My Dad said he looks like an Oopma Lumpa, which was quite funny. (It was the only funny comment I think.) I permit him to be on the panel. Meat Loaf. Not quite the opera star, but my oh my is he excitable. I have never seen anyone stand up and sit down so often. He gets sooo excited by everything! He adds to the funny factor of the panel. Apparently there is another judge on the panel, which I didn’t notice. That is a lie. I did notice him, I just chose to ignore him because he is such a twat! Laurence Llewelyn-Fricking-Bowen. I’m sorry, but the website says he was a former opera student. Emphasis on FORMER. What does he do now? NOTHING. What did he do prior to that? Prance about in a pink frilly shirt, decorating rooms with cushions. NOT A WORTHY COMPONENT OF THE PANEL!

But obviously, the stars of the evening were…the stars. The vocal talent that swarmed the stage this evening was out of this world. The notes that some of those celebs hit just blew me away! I will role with the running order.

1. Jimmy Osmond – In that man you could see confidence on the outside, but on the inside he was cacking himself. The note that he hit at the end was brilliant though. You could see in the VT (look at me all technical) that he had over practiced and that his voice was getting tired, but he really proved himself on the night. Plus, you can’t beat an Osmond for a smile

2. Kym Marsh – Now I love this lady, (To which my Dad, who watches Corrie with us every time it is on, stated “I know her from somewhere. Is she a news reader?”) but her nerves were way OTT. She definitely has the voice to be an opera star, but she just didn’t use it to her full potential. She could have pushed more on those notes. She had a very poppy voice. You could tell she was using her throat and not her diaphragm, which was a shame, but that will develop as the weeks go on. And didn’t she look fantastic in that dress.

3. Alex James – No. Just no. He wasn’t a good singer in the first place, so why he thought this was a good idea is beyond me. He tried to hard to cover up his dreadful singing with stupid actions and shit. I didn’t enjoy his performance. To his credit, it was a hard song, and he got the words in well, and if he was still in it, he might have been able to work on the notes.

4. Marcella Detroit – Famous for what now? That is besides the point on this one. Her singing was good. It did get a bit waaarbly towards the end, but she used her diaphragm well and her phrasing was excellent, but I can’t help thinking that she wont go far in this competition. I was about to predict where she would come, but I might save that for the end.

5. Danny Jones – Everybody loves the McFly singer. I don’t want to say this, but he will go a long way in this competition. He has a good voice, but it is really suited for pop. However, he did try and he definitely pulled of the Opera star factor and I am proud. As the judges said, he needs to work on transforming his popstar voice to an opera star warble. It was nice to see the McFly boys cheering him on and offering their support.

6. Vanessa White – My Fav. I am an absolute adorer of The Saturdays, and you may believe this to be a biased comment, but BARRY SCOTT SHE WAS GOOD! I am listening to The Sats right now and it is so interesting to her the transformation in her voice. If you listen to her in the band, her voice is still amazing, but on the show, she was PHENOMENAL! The high notes she hit were beautiful and I felt proud to love her. It was like one of those beautiful moments when you see a parent cry as their child graduates uni. I was a proud parent and so were the rest of the girls. Mollie, Rochelle, Una & Frankie were, like McFly, cheering her on and they had some fantastic T-Shirts which I would defo like one of. She did not deserve to be in the bottom two, but she got through which is important. She was already nervous, so I worry that this may have knocked her confidence, but I reckon she will pull through and come out on top

7. Darius – This is where I begun to get bored. I had seen my Ness, and I wasn’t really interested. The number was saved to my phone and put on to speed dial, so I didn’t really mind if I missed these performances. But, I am glad that I watched on. I was quite disappointed with Darius however. My Dad said about him, “He looks like he should be selling me a kebab. And he has the complexion of the very product as well.” Which was amusing, but a little harsh. He didn’t have stage presence. I don’t know if it was just me, but I sat there and though meh. I may have even expressed this sound as well, but meh. He didn’t wow me. He wont make it to the end.

8. Bernie Nolan – Last, but by no mean least, was Bernie. When I watched the VT I did feel that it was a bad move to say that you were bigger than The Beatles. Even if it was just in Japan, it is still a bad move. Wasn’t she adorable though. She came out with some corkers before she performed, but her facial expressions made it for me. Reminded me of the stroke advert, you know the Face, Arms, Speech, Tits advert. Her performance was very good and the comments from the judges were fair and I am looking forward to seeing what she brings to the stage next week I think that our bottom two next week will be Marcella and Darius. Let’s see if I am right!

 

Well, there you have it. An hour and a half of my life certainly not wasted on watching 8 celebs attempt to WOW me. Clearly they were only performing to me, and I must say, I was impressed. I predicted that Marcella would go this evening as she wasn’t as grasping as some of the other acts. I was hoping for Alex to leave, but I didn’t think he would, based on the laughs he received from the audience and my Mum, who chuckled in the corner like a mental patient, splashing about in her own piss, sucking on old Pickled Onion Monster Munch she found in her dressing gown pocket (We like to call the straight jackets ‘dressing gowns’ as it makes the residents feel more comfortable!) When Vanessa was in the bottom two I thought ‘Shit. That is 50p I have wasted’ and I was making all sorts of whimpers from my sofa. My heart was beating fast, my throat was dry and when they went back to the public vote, I felt shooting pains up and down my left arm. When they said Vanessa, very quickly for a reality show, no, what I like to call, the Davina occurred, I was so happy I practically punched my Mum with excitement! All in all a good week and I shall be voting again next week, and so should you guys. The number you need to Vote Vanessa is 09011 32 10 06. Please vote and get her to the winners circle

 

Your tasks for this week readers is to:

• Watch Popstar to Opera Star, ITV1 9pm next Friday.
• Vote Vanessa on 09011 32 10 06.
• In all your tweets you need to put #votevanessa for a TT.
• The Sats have also started a Vote Vanessa campaign in which they create two Vs with whatever possible. Whether it be your fingers, legs or your grandparents, I want to see your best VVs and the best one will feature on next weeks blog

I will try to update this next week at this time, but no guarantees. I don’t like to set a time to write a blog. It is like when I call my Granddad every week. I don’t do it the same time every week, just in case I forget or am just not around, so that he doesn’t worry I have fallen down a well Until next time, love to you all…Daniel xxx

 

Down The Nut-House

Have you been watching Celebrity Big Brother? Well, I am absolutely addicted to it! I have always loved Big Brother, and although many say that the Celebrity version is not as good, I still think it has that something special. I am dissapointed that this will be the last series of the star-studded edition, but I am hoping it will be the best. But, let us be honest now, what a bunch of fucking nutters they have in there this year! You have the most famous being awarded to Stephanie Beacham and Vinnie Jones, but then you have the girlfriend of a man who looks like a scrotum, and a pimp. As much as I enjoy the programme, you have got to be kidding me! A pimp is in there. Heidi Fleiss, who, to be honest, looks like a thinner Pete Burns, as a glorified ho driver. The drag queen lookalike’s claim to fame is that she was arrested for supplying sluts to stars. GET OUT! Not only is that ridiculous, but it is not CBB eligibility. Plus she is so boring! All she does is roll around her bed complaining about Jesus Preacher Stephen. Although Stephen is a little annoying. The only reason I know who he is, is because he did The Flinstones movie. (Not that great if you were wondering.) He is lovely, but stop telling everyone about Jesus. I’m a Christian, but I don’t want to hear about it that much! He might as well be in robes. The next delinquent I am going to rip it out of is Basshunter or Jonas. I don’t like his music and I don’t want to hear about the fact that he waxes his bum, which therefore means he does squeaky farts. As delightful as that is, NEVER discuss it with a lady. Although Katia is no lady. The scrotum loving teen let out some massive explosion on Day 2 and that isn’t the last of it. I’m sure there is more to come! Amongst all these looneys are a couple of scrummies though Nicola T is THE FUNNIEST housemate in there. She just comes out with such crap! She is so stupid it is funny. Joining her on my scrummies list is Dane Bowers and Sisqo. The housemate which has proven himself is Alex Reid. Very down to earth. Although he should stop talking about the manipulation of the press. Just stop. I am much looking forward to what Davina is to bring us tomorrow evening, but Big Brother has got bigger and better this year

Biggest Inspiration of 2009

Biggest Inspiration of 2009

James Foreman

If you have not come across this comedy genius, then you are seriously missing out. I have known James for about 5, if not 6 years now, and I would like to say that I have always loved him. But when we first met, we hated each other. I don’t know why, but I just thought…urgh. Who the frick do you think you are? I heard him say “I’ll just stand by the door” with my reply being “it’s all you’re good for.” So not the best of starts. But as time went on, it was revealed that we were actually very similar. Both hilarious and exciting. It sometime hurts my back to kiss my arse like this, but it is needed to exclaim how much I love James. Over the past 12 months, his Facebook blogs have had me in tears, tweets made me wet myself and his blog made me jizz in my pants, they are that funny. Thankyou James for a fantastic 2009 and bring on 2010

Biggest Twat of 2009

Biggest Twat Of 2009

Peter Andre (Shared with the British Media)

I actually want to strangle his tanned Australian neck. He is so fake. I think it is just me who can see this, but I will explain why. Everyone was like ‘Pete is so nice, he never does anything wrong. Katie just left him with all the kids while she went and partied, and look at him keeping his mouth shut for the kids sake’. Oh shut up:

1. He left Katie.

2. Did anyone notice how he kept his mouth shut until about 6 weeks into the break up when he suddenly had exclusives with News Of The World and heat! and any other printed publication. IN IT FOR THE MONEY!

3. He can’t sing.

My third point may not be as valid as the others, but the media have depicted him as a goody two shoes who hasn’t done anything wrong, when really he has. SO Katie has moved on and sorted her life out instead of moping about complaining. Sue her.

Best Band

Best Band

The Saturdays

Enough said. I bet Girls Aloud regret taking that ‘break’ now. They needed to give their smoky throats a rest. I do like Girls Aloud, but I love The Sats more :) they have totally become the Girl Band of 2009. Although they haven’t really had the any number ones, they are fast approaching it, and they have accomplished so much in this year. Two platinum albums, a headlining tour and being announced one of the biggest acts of Capital’s Jingle Bell Ball. Now that is one hell of a year

Best Album

Best Album

The Saturdays – Wordshaker

If you have ever heard about me, you will know that I am absolutely Saturdays mad! Although I am very calm and collected, and I like to hold the illusion that I don’t go to the bathroom, I have a weak point for these guys. Although this seems kind of biased, I am going to justify my point. Compared to their last album (which I still love by the way!) Wordshaker was the fat girl to Chasing Lights’ pool; it was completely blown out of the water! There are songs on their which I know my brother from another mother James thinks are a tad mundane, but I love them all. Granted I have a greater affection for some than others, but they all show that edgier side to the girls. Well done girls on winning such a prestigious award!

Best TV Presenter

Best TV Presenter

Holly Willoughby

None other than the Booby herself. She exploded onto our screens (in more ways than one) this September with big hair, big smiles and well… She was pretty good as our fav Children’s TV Presenter, but come September, she started this whole new ‘adult’ thingy. Wasn’t sure at first, as I had not heard of one of these adults, but then she got good. As much as I like ‘Bums and Tums Britton’, she lost her ‘ho ho ho-ness’ when she tied up the old bottomless pit. The wheezy laughter was the best bit so her time was up, just as it was creeping up behind her ready to pounce before the bag was sealed. Holly had just given This Morning that much needed face lift. Only Schofield left for that much needed ‘pin back’ :) well done Willoughbooby!