Hello? Is that Mr Pattinson? I have found that chromosome you were looking for.

 

Avert your eyes Twilight fans. This is gonna get ugly.

"1 Chromosome, 2 Chromose...shit. You're one short Mr Pattinson."

“Lucky effer sir?”

WHAT A LOAD OF OLD SHITE. I have never watched so much crap in my entire life. I was only 20 minutes in and I swear to god, cataracts would have been appreciated more. Never before have I hoped for a disaster such as a fire, just to give me an excuse to move away from the sofa. There I was, all snug with my friends, in my PJs, duvets everywhere and a stack of chocolate, oddly looking forward to loosing my virginity. Well, that was not pleasurable. That was like loosing my virginity to bum rape. I could not understand what they were all so excited about. Then I realised. It was not, in fact, a gripping storyline, or amazing special effects. It was in fact the ‘fit’ boys that came with the film. You have got your two teams you see. Team Jacob and Team Edward. So I sat there, Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, there I was. Stuck in the middle of a bunch of willies. Lefties screamed and clenched every muscle they had when Pattinson came on screen, and the righties were creating new muscles they were squeezing that hard when Jacob came on screen. But in all honesty, where is the attraction in those boys? I swear to God, when I put on the subtitles, I could have sworn Jacob was, subconsciously, trying to sell me lucky heather. And Pattinson. That sexy smouldering look that all the girls jizz at, is in fact wind. It is not attractive. It was like he is digging out a wedgie. And I still hold to my theory that he is a Downs.

 

Shall we really crack down to the fitties? It was my birthday today Last year I had a pretty good time, but this year blew that bitch out of the water. I had cake, friends, MONEY and shit loads of prezzies Someone pre-ordered Glee season 1 for me. They will have a place saved for them in my heart. Actually no, it isn’t that good. They can have a spot in my uterus. It is kind of like Level 1 seating in the o2. Not quite as good, but still the same thing. Don’t piss me off, or you will be in Level 4. Be warned. But I have to say, my best presents came from 1 person When buying someone a present, never before has this thought entered my mind. She arrived at my house with a goldfish in a bag. An actual goldfish, who stares at me as I type. She is called Marguerite. I am a strong believer in real names for pets. It is such a kick in the teeth when you call them fluffy or some shit like that. She is gorgeous isn’t she I also got a nicely pieced together mood board of my favourite things and a very special rendition of Happy Birthday

Marguerite

 

I have to say, I have really enjoyed myself today and could not be more grateful for such a bloody brilliant birthday

Kisses

<3

I’m back bitches.

I’m back bitches.

I haven’t posted anything for quite a while, solely because I posted a blog quite a while back which upset two of my greatest friends. But all is in the past now, and we are heading for April, the month of new starts, new friends and new clothes

I start this blog with the excitement of it being only 5 days until my birthday! FIVE DAYS BABY! If you know me, then you will know that my birthday is one of the biggest events of the year. It might not be for you, but my birthday is very special to me. I don’t know why, but this is the one day of the year that I all the attention is on me. I love it. I love every eye being on me. Last year I went out for a meal with about 30 other people. This year, we have entered a WHOLE NEW BALL GAME! I have around 60 people coming. Most people have a few of their closest friends attend their birthday meal, but I have so many amazing friends that I couldn’t cut some of them out. Then you have the dilemma. Once you have invited a couple of people out of a group, you have to invite the whole group. That is why the numbers are so high! Haha!

I am going to try to keep y’all posted with the events that happen over the next week! I will leave you with a rather dashing picture of myself.

Kisses

xxx

P.S. Sorry for the lack of humour in this post, but I thought I had best be careful I am working my way back up to the top x