Here we are then. Another year over and 2010 is edging closer like that paedophile in my garden. 2009 has bought us some fantastic new celebrities, but also some rather odd storylines!
January & February
- Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer broke up. Obviously not the end of the world because he looks like a tin of tuna and to be perfectly honest he probably smells like it to.
- Those two from Mamma Mia hooked up, you know the one from Mean Girls and the annoying British one. As much as I liked Mamma Mia, the British one really did ruin it. All he did was run around in flippers. Good work Cooper!
- Jessica Simpson got fat.
- NASA saw her from space.
- Robert Webb did that disturbing spandex dance from Flashdance. I was sick everywhere.
- But the biggest story of these months has to be Rihanna and Chris Brown. The whole head to the dashboard treatment. I can see it now, pictures of Rihanna naked fly onto the windscreen, they swerve, Chris gets angry and BAM! head right into the dashboard. That car is now being auctioned off described as “With an authentic Rihanna face mask.” Well someone has to make some money out of it!
The star of these two months has got to be Alexandra Burke! She won the X Factor and this year just set the ball rolling! She was an amazing singer on the X Factor, then Beyonce came on and she practically shat herself, but these things happen. She has taken winning in her stride and not let her go to her head! Bravo Alex! Look forward to album no. 2!
March & April
- Kerry Krakona and Mark Croft were off after she announced he had taken all her money and she was divorcing him. This lasted all of two days, as they reunited for a chinese take away and an Iceland shopping trip
- Paris Hilton landed herself a loaded star! Doug Reinhardt has a lot of money apparently! They also say ‘like’ a lot I would imagine!
- Jade Goody lost her cancer battle. As the jokes came flooding in, I felt genuinely sorry for Jade, the boys, her mum and oh her granddad. If you watched her programme you would understand just how adorable he is. He can’t remember much and just babbles. I think there is only one quote, well maybe two, that can sum up Jade. Stephen Fry called her “the Princess Diana from the wrong side of the tracks”, and they fact that she asked where “East Angular” was. As much as I loved Jade, she did ruin the Kebab.
- This was when Katie went out partying until 6AM on Mother’s day. So. Good for her. Like her kids actually care.
- Horse face and ‘I act like this to make my penis seem bigger’ from The Apprentice started doing it. Yep Kate Walsh & Phil Taylor were banging away. Noiceee.
The star of March & April goes to the lovely Su Bo. That amazing singing voice and that gut wrenching accent. The moustache just makes me want to lap her up. If anyone speaks to her before I do, tell her I want my curtains back, and I do NOT appreciate them being made into a dress.
May & June
- The two from Slumdog Millionaire got it on.
- Kerry Krakona got fat and I mean like beer belly fat. Bless her. Too many chicken platters from Iceland I think!
- David Beckham did that massive Emporio Armani underwear add. Thanks for sharing Becks!
- Michael Jackson died. I did not like Michael Jackson. He had done nothing against me, but he just annoyed me. And then when he died, everyone suddenly liked him. GET OUT. The memorial service was nice though. I watch most of it, but that was the day we had a lot of rain and there was very loud thunder so he kind of get ignored while I looked out my bedroom window.
- But obviously story of the months was Katie and Peter breaking up. I got like 70 texts telling me. As if I didn’t already know. Seriously guys! I practically shit out what is written in heat! and on heatworld, so why you thought I wouldn’t already know is beyond me.
Star of the months has got to be Amanda Holden! She blossomed throughout this years series of Britain’s Got Talent and started to become loved by the British public. She did the shoot for heat! when she talked about her botox, surgery and took photos without her make-up. Now that is what I call a star. Love you Manda
July & August
- Steve Jones & Hayden Panettiere got it on. Imagine their babies
- Fern left This Morning. She was fit. That was a joke. 100% joke! It was very sad, and they were all drunk by about 10:37. Good on you fatty!
- R-Pattz bangs Kristen up against a wall. That didn’t actually happen, but they did do it. I bet Lautner joined in aswell.
- Krakona’s nose caved in. All that sniffing of Iceland food. Crack ridden I swear.
- Pictures of the Price and Alex Reid walking around naked, taking pictures on the balcony and doing it in every possible place. Get yours
- Oh and Kate Moss started to look, unfortunately, like Gillian Taylforth. Oh dear.
Star of July & August has got to go to Pixie Lott! That amazing album and singing voice, but OH MY her dress sense! She practically shits on the fashionistas of this world!
September & October
- Robbie returns. Don’t really like him, but good for him.
- Cheryl Cole did that X Factor performance. There was that whole hoo ha as to whether she was going to sing live or not and that it was hypocritical if she didn’t. Who cares. She is sooo adorable. I want her to be my best friend The performance was average, but she got that number one. Only one low point. WTF is with those trousers??? TKMaxx? Probs.
- Arlene got fired and Alesha ’amazing’ Dixon got her place on the Strictly judging panel. She got a lot of stick, but she hit back and has for defs come out on top!
- Leona ‘unhappy’ Lewis got attacked. As lovely as she is, she does sing some depressing songs. I like them, but give us some hope that you have had something good happen to you! She still didn’t deserve that though!
- Steven Gately and Patrick Swayze snuffed it. Sad times.
- Ahhh, Katy Perry and Russell Brand have regular Nookie
- BIGGEST story was that slag Taylor Swift got humiliated by Kanye West at the VMAs. To be honest, Beyonce probably did deserve the award, but there was no need for that Kanye. The worst but is that Taylor thinks she is amazing now. You aren’t. You are boring.
Dannii Minogue scoops up star of the months with that amazing X Factor year. She has definitely had the most radical makeover of the year and she owned this year’s series of X Factor!
November & December
- Katie hits the jungle and, I think showed that she is actually a normal person, and doesn’t have a frozen heart. She is like a Strepsil, hard on the outside, but quite soft and gooey on the inside. I would blame the curry. She left after she was voted to do like 7000 trials and when she left, she dumped Alex Reid! Boy did I lol! She shouldn’t have said ‘closure’ as much though.
- Kate Moss made that fantastic statement; “Nothing tastes better than skinny feels!” HAHA. This was quote of the year!
- Joe won the X Factor. Well done, but did you see Stacey. No one knows what she said but she was adorable wasn’t she
- Christine Bleakley & Frank Lampard got together. That is cute.
- Ricky Whittle and Carley Stenson ended it. His big penis was hurting her.
Stars of November & December has got to be the cast of Eastenders! Fantastic storylines and acting all lead up to that Christmas Day climax. Well done. My Nan called Peggy Mitchell the ‘Poison Dwarf’. Made the episode to be honest. Well done Eastenders!
I hope that this has made you laugh and you occasionally went ‘Oh yeah! I forgot about that!’ Stick around for the awards!
